My story of submission, although still in its infantile stages, has forced me to expose parts of myself that I had been trying so desperately to forget for so many years. The anger, hurt, and resentment I harbor from past experiences has made me more cold-hearted and bitter than anyone, much less a girl in her early 20s, should be.
My propensity to repress any and all emotion has created an undeniable barrier between myself and the outside world. For the longest time, I found great comfort in the confines of my own heart and mind, afraid to express even the slightest bit of my true thoughts for fear of appearing vulnerable or weak. But now, as I’ve grown older and have been forced to face my demons head-on, I have learned just how liberating the experience of controlled vulnerability can be.
Submission has been an emotional rollercoaster that has at times flooded me with self-doubt, frustration, and vast insecurities. However, it has also taught me to trust the judgment of myself and others (even though I know Sir thinks I don’t fully trust him yet); that there are few things less gratifying to me than pleasing someone else or being valued for exactly who you are as an individual; and just how to let go of my perfectionist, all-controlling attitude for the sake of my sanity. The unadulterated intimacy of this relationship, whether Sir realizes it or not, has done more for me than any therapy session, antidepressant, or recreational drug ever has. And for that, I am beyond grateful.